taking notes

i'd like to make some basic notes about my time here so far.

i really enjoyed my life here at times and at other times i wanted to go back home and be comfortable. it took me way out of my comfort zone because traveling is stressful, meeting new people is hard, and living with 3 strangers from another land isn't always a beautiful experience. but i am glad i had the chance to see beauty at the museums and in the faces of the children on the street who hugged their parents. i'm glad i got to see the beauty of the un-marketed and far from commercialized area of europe where life isn't always easy and the people's bodies are strong and have an immunity to most things unlike the american counterparts with a bacteria phobia.

i've never drank so much tea in my life and i've never really tasted such great coffee in almost any dining establishment, whether its the local jazz club or a super cute coffee shop.

i've also haven't thirsted for something real with such a long and dull pain as i have here. there is such a materialism here that would rival home, except that it is a little more obvious. everyone knows everyone struggles to keep financially above ground, yet there is such a hunger for faster cars, sexier shoes, and hotter night clubs with high-priced everything. why?

i want to forget the person i was yesterday cause that person was gudging, mean-spirited, and an elitest. so i want to forget that i was that and live today like i can be the compassionate and life-giving person i see myself being. i want to step into something big and i want to stand and be strong for a good cause. i want to please God cause i miss whatever it is. i miss Him.

i have learned a lot academically and i think being here has rebirthed inside me the desire to learn for learnings sake. i don't want to lose that.

i miss my family with a passion that i thought would never return to me. i want to run into my parents embrace with a child-like abandonment, but i also want to come back to them a new person. i want to be one who assumes responsibility and maturity. i want to come back respected.

cutting the crap has to be ingraved into my skin otherwise i would forget it all. i cannot internalize so much anxiety and so much responsibility for everyone else's demeanor. part of the whole maturing process is to learn how to stand up for one's self. and that is what i must do because i can see how i didn't.

i guess that's it for the minute. for some reason writing doesn't give me any satisfaction, at least not like it did before. i think it's cause i can't seem to express what's going on in my head accurately. gosh. i need a real person to talk to.