hunting for the stag of answers

gosh dang it. i think this whole knowing thyself thing is about realizing that the way you are is the way you are. you can change it, you can't change it, but for the most part it's just the way things are. you can change your environment and you can change your cicumstance, but you just have to deal with the way you turned out and work with that.

so how does being christian work? i know how some people make it work. seriously, how can anyone love God? you can be thankful, i know that personally, but is that love? it seems like the hardest of all possible commandments. to love the spirit that takes lives too early, doles out hunger and poverty so often, and ultimately calls you to kill yourself, not physically, but your own will - the thing that ultimately continues your life. and all of this to really live. gosh, i get annoyed with my roommate when she asks me to use my computer and i am talking to friends, i can't imagine liking her if she asked me to make my will hers. of course, God doesn't do what is so evil, it is the choice of man kind. but it is the way we were made. it's like planned obsolescence that businesses do in order to create their own demand. God created us to need Him, but to still want our selfish lives....sigh.

gosh dang it. is the whole maturity part of life about realizing this seemingly harsh reality and still being okay with that? is it realizing that no matter how old and how many experiences one may have, God is still God and we are not. it must be being okay with the fact that we are merely human and full of defects. and according to my upbringing it means that God still loves the defected and the obsolete. shoot yo. so we become humble and closer to God. we become humble and closer to ourselves. we become humble and closer to each other. i see....