inspiration of thought

well, i'm back from russia. but that's not currently on my mind. it's deeper than that. i will discuss my findings of joy, fear, and love of russia later. tonight will be a time of reflection about spiritual things.

i have come to realize that knowing God's will isn't enough. everyone you love must agree with you in order for them to accept that as God's will. because they can see their own will for you as God's will and you are just blinded by your own desires (which can and does happen in all honesty). so how can one really evaluate the truth if one can be blind and others as well? i'm confused. how much of the christian life is actually Godly and how much is the duty we have to convince others that we are doing Godly things. simply put, i don't think it is wise to assume what people have in their deepest hearts and it is neither wise to assume that you know God's ultimate will for them.

i think for the most part, i've sorted things out in my own heart about this entire worn out subject in my life. i understand fully every aspect of failure from both points of view (i may not appreciate every aspect, but i do at least understand). i understand that it's not about any bias (at the end of the day it isn't, it may be at small times in the middle of the day...if you know what i mean. but in all honesty, i know it isn't about bias). people who love you do just that. in my case, they really want what is best for me and i am having the hardest time communicating effectively that i want the same thing and i have found it. sigh. love can be a controlling thing.

i think God's will has nothing to do with logic and reason. it may start out that way because he gave us that gift, but then that gift can become a stumbling block. it doesn't seem that it would be a good thing to try and logic the way things turn out because then we could come to a lot of very bad conclusions. for instance, if one goes through thousands of troubles in life, can it be okay to assume that they did not choose God's will for their life? i don't think so. that is a call only God can make, duh. but if one goes through life without many troubles and lives it very comfortably, can we assume that they did choose God's will? again, that's something that no one can really say, not even that person. i'm not saying that God's will is completely hidden to us. i'm just commenting on how impossible it seems to be completely sure about yourself, let alone someone else.

i am lost in my own wonderings of my mind. but at least i know and feel a desire to find myself at a foot of a cross and to bow down before it with all the respect and honor a very lowly heart can offer it. that is my sacrifice and my way to living truly.

so thanks for reading and i hope that this one wasn't too boring. and i hope that you aren't shaking your head in pity for what may sound like such a lost cause. i would rather you be in agreement (if not fully, somewhat) to my questioning because it seems to wonder about such things as this only natural. thanks, reader, for whatever sentiment you may briefly send my way.