morning after he was gone
surprisingly i feel better. i don't think i estimate the power of friendship correctly because it surprises me how good i can feel when i'm with my friends despite the sadness of missing scott and of course everyone else i've known in the states. it's a good thing i'm going on this trip to russia because then i will be surrounded by people 24/7. the only part of that really weird mood from yesterday that is lingering about today is now my worry about scott getting back. the worry is not good at all because it leads to insanity. worrying just because scott is flying is rediculous because the worst could happen at any time. yet an even more comforting thought. so, i try to let that go.
i'm still waiting so patiently to hear my phone ring or to see his name pop up on instant messenger. i can't help it now...that part of me is here to stay. when i wake up early tomorrow morning to go to russia, we should be able to talk then. this week of being lost in russia somewhere between moscow and st. petersburg will be like going off drugs cold turkey. i won't be able to talk online or over the phone to scott or anyone else and that will be torture.
i need people. the more i think i'm a lone wolf and can make it independently, the more i realize that i would wither up and die if i didn't have anyone at all. it is vital that the friends i make here are friends. it's not as if i have to find soul mates here, but it there is a very clear and definate theme to this travel and that is that people make all the difference. whether it's people here or friends and family from home, they are all important to me. they are important for different reasons, but that doesn't take away any of the value. so what if my friends here are friends out of necessity and proximity. i'll take that. i think i spent a good portion of my first 2 months missing my friends at home because i thought the friendships here were shallow, they may be short-term, but not shallow. i cannot be without people for 2 months. well, i guess i could if i had to...but that would be a worst case scenario. the point is, i'm here with people and i need to take advantage of that fact. if i were out in a desert with only me and God, then i would have to take advantage of that fact too.
the need for people is apparent. but it's not that i have to be the life of every party. lord knows that would entail drinking an awful lot and that's not me at all. in needing people, i realized that i just need that very basic feeling of connection. that is what keeps me going. i like that.
i don't know what kind of spiritual journey this has become, but i think it's one to open up my eyes to a whole new thing. russian orthodoxy is just one of the crazy new things. it's all so different from suburban evangelical protestantism and maybe that's a good thing or bad thing for me. but i am willing to find out. finding out how really closed minded i am is another part of the spiritual journey that i am ready to take. there are still parts of that republican, old fashioned, and stubborn religion inside me. it's part of a culture and has nothing to do with theology or God as much as I like to rationalize that it does. if another system of christianity works, then why not? they still love God and honor Jesus as the savior...so what if everything else is different. who said that evangelicals have the monopoly on truth all of the sudden? realizing that everything i've been taught to be truth is still truth to others around the world is cool. the basics are the same because it's christianity. but to realize that everything i thought wrong was actually wrong to a good amount of other people is a whole other sense of accomplishment. all of the religious systems have flaws in them. and i am starting to find out that it's okay. so evangelical protestantism has good things and bad things, so does russian orthodoxy. we are all still man and we are all still flawed so completely. but if we all still humble ourselves in front of God, we may get some things right.
so the morning after isn't about scott, evil airports, the end of a good thing, or even missing everyone else. it's about learning about myself in new ways that good 'ol anderson couldn't have taught me. thanks to God for letting this all happen.
thanks to God for letting me love and be loved so intensely and so calmly and not just by/for Scott. thanks to God for leading me to a whole new level of understanding. and thanks to God for the morning after being an okay thing.
i'm still waiting so patiently to hear my phone ring or to see his name pop up on instant messenger. i can't help it now...that part of me is here to stay. when i wake up early tomorrow morning to go to russia, we should be able to talk then. this week of being lost in russia somewhere between moscow and st. petersburg will be like going off drugs cold turkey. i won't be able to talk online or over the phone to scott or anyone else and that will be torture.
i need people. the more i think i'm a lone wolf and can make it independently, the more i realize that i would wither up and die if i didn't have anyone at all. it is vital that the friends i make here are friends. it's not as if i have to find soul mates here, but it there is a very clear and definate theme to this travel and that is that people make all the difference. whether it's people here or friends and family from home, they are all important to me. they are important for different reasons, but that doesn't take away any of the value. so what if my friends here are friends out of necessity and proximity. i'll take that. i think i spent a good portion of my first 2 months missing my friends at home because i thought the friendships here were shallow, they may be short-term, but not shallow. i cannot be without people for 2 months. well, i guess i could if i had to...but that would be a worst case scenario. the point is, i'm here with people and i need to take advantage of that fact. if i were out in a desert with only me and God, then i would have to take advantage of that fact too.
the need for people is apparent. but it's not that i have to be the life of every party. lord knows that would entail drinking an awful lot and that's not me at all. in needing people, i realized that i just need that very basic feeling of connection. that is what keeps me going. i like that.
i don't know what kind of spiritual journey this has become, but i think it's one to open up my eyes to a whole new thing. russian orthodoxy is just one of the crazy new things. it's all so different from suburban evangelical protestantism and maybe that's a good thing or bad thing for me. but i am willing to find out. finding out how really closed minded i am is another part of the spiritual journey that i am ready to take. there are still parts of that republican, old fashioned, and stubborn religion inside me. it's part of a culture and has nothing to do with theology or God as much as I like to rationalize that it does. if another system of christianity works, then why not? they still love God and honor Jesus as the savior...so what if everything else is different. who said that evangelicals have the monopoly on truth all of the sudden? realizing that everything i've been taught to be truth is still truth to others around the world is cool. the basics are the same because it's christianity. but to realize that everything i thought wrong was actually wrong to a good amount of other people is a whole other sense of accomplishment. all of the religious systems have flaws in them. and i am starting to find out that it's okay. so evangelical protestantism has good things and bad things, so does russian orthodoxy. we are all still man and we are all still flawed so completely. but if we all still humble ourselves in front of God, we may get some things right.
so the morning after isn't about scott, evil airports, the end of a good thing, or even missing everyone else. it's about learning about myself in new ways that good 'ol anderson couldn't have taught me. thanks to God for letting this all happen.
thanks to God for letting me love and be loved so intensely and so calmly and not just by/for Scott. thanks to God for leading me to a whole new level of understanding. and thanks to God for the morning after being an okay thing.
posted by Dot Spot at 11:51 PM
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