state of the union address

there is a point when you just can't take it any more. it's the point when you realize that it's just not your song and it's not what is in your heart. it usually is a sad realization because no matter how much you want to be that soul who is utterly humbled and honoring to the spirit that created you, you just aren't. you're full of every kind of emotion, not just those gushy, warm feelings that songs seem to exclusively sing about. i realized i'm angry, frustrated, in awe, impatient, demanding, confused, and questioning my own loyalty and love towards God during worship. current worship time at church is all about being in the right heart and mind constantly. what if you aren't? hell, no one is all the time. there are times when i don't want to do what is right, but it doesn't mean i'm not thankful and it doesn't mean that i'm walking away from God completely. there are times when you're just tired of feeling so belittled and worthless in the presence of God. no wonder christianity is a turn off. who wants to feel that way over and over again? but i guess that's what real love is. i know this because i realize how much i don't deserve scott and his love. i feel inadequate. and i feel like i could always do more for him to lift him up and help him become the best. and i love him and i don't mind feeling that way. it just comes with the terrriory. so, i guess that's how sacrificial love goes. that's when i just balance my own cynicism out and say to myself, "just enjoy and bask in the glow of unconditional love".
and whatever you can imagine unconditional love to be anyways...

so back to my original thought. i dislike current worship music because it's not real, at least not for me. it used to do the trick for me when i was in high school. it was easy when things were simple and not so complex and raw. but each little step i take towards experience, i find that there is just crap that clogs the pipes between me and God. seriously, understanding how much you just completely fail is one way to always remain soft towards the spirit of God, but it can get you down. that's why it's always wise to maintain some sort of balance mechanism. people. they are my balance mechanism. they stop me from taking myself too darn seriously. i am so much more attracted to anything that is real despite if it is "good" or "moral". that's why i like music not deemed "christian", but obviously not all secular music because it's not they have a corner on truth either. too many christians (including me) get sucked into responding only how we know we should and not honestly. there are songs in which i find completely honest and helpful and they turn out to be worship songs. but it is rare. it's too easy to create a song about how great God is and how loving, any one can do that. heck, when you make a song to scripture you're just plagerizing anyways. be original, i say.

i want music that will make me think seriously about my relationship, my union with God. i want some honest truth to enter worship. some song to say, "i really didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning," or "i really won't love you forever, but i'll do my damned to always try". honest, gut wrenching truth. i'm tired of singing songs of my personal unwavering faithfulness and devotion because i know i'm not worth that type of exaltation (sp?). it's easy to get that way though, cause there are those intense moments of passion and emotion (exactly like those moments of intense emotional connection with your significant other - emotional similarity, but not sexually similarity because i've learned that the most important connections with your lover isn't about sex at all) during worship that lead you to those conclusions. "i've just expirienced perfect love from my God and I will forever devote my life and love to you." that is real (to an extent) because that is the passion of your heart. i'm cool with that and i respect that. but when you sing it day in and day out no matter what you currently feel it becomes a very simple lie. churches try and keep you on that honeymoon type stage of loving God. intense, energetic, and youthful passions don't last. duh.

when you stand there with your arms crossed, your attention to the girl's awful outfit in front of you and just singing cause you've memorized the current trendy worship song, you know that confessing what that song says ("you're the air i breathe" or "i'm desparate for you") is a current lie. that's when i realize that i should just stop singing and really dive into some serious meditation and reflection instead of participating in the "worship". shoot, i wish i wouldn't piss anyone off if i just left to go outside and do some serious personal reflection and meditation and then go back in to participate. or maybe i should get off my lazy bum and do that before i go to church. either way, i think church should be just a place to be real. people like that and that's what people my age are attracted to. we're tired of the lame and "correct" way to worship. we just want some good ol' ugly truth to set us free.

so the state of the union is okay, just a little imperfect like me. it's a good thing God is perfect or this union would be crap, eh?

let's just rock. HAH!