life comes
i sat down to read my relevant magazine today. once again it hit me that i really like reading about how things can be better or how to become better, but i never really do anything. alas, i am externally motivated at times. i don't think i should say that to future employers in my interviews though. oh well.
life came in an odd form this weekend. those rare occasions when the comfort zone just gets poked at with a fork so it has holes in which i can fall through happened again. it all happened over dinner, several meals. i got to eat with future in-laws and dine with a possible future loved one of my very dear friend. each had a certain weirdness to it that made me stream consciousness in my head, which left un-provoked will be a dial up speed. but since it was provoked, it became a high speed network of my own brand of quirks. i just need to cut the crap most of the time.
i thought about other things today. it came to my mind that i should think of things that i've been avoiding in my head. i've been doing things that i know aren't right, but yet i have justified them enough to at least postpone the guilt (what little of it i can actually feel any more these days). so i let it sink in. i came to a conclusion. i want a different type of Christianity than i was given . i want one free of guilt, but full of integrity and responsibility. i don't want to be scared of God in a way a child is scared of a punishment. it seems that the old ways of doing things had some what of a complicated life because its based on expectations and such.
so i quit. so long old life of over analysis and dried up concrete summations. i don't care if i don't know. and i don't care if i am wrong sometimes and i won't torture myself about what happens. i am never going to be perfect, so i won't try.
i will try and be better and live life in a way that brings life to the dead and hope to the hopeless. i want to live a life that is relevent to this situation - but it seems that it will entail more than exploring the water of my streaming consciousness.
so say goodnight to the night.
life came in an odd form this weekend. those rare occasions when the comfort zone just gets poked at with a fork so it has holes in which i can fall through happened again. it all happened over dinner, several meals. i got to eat with future in-laws and dine with a possible future loved one of my very dear friend. each had a certain weirdness to it that made me stream consciousness in my head, which left un-provoked will be a dial up speed. but since it was provoked, it became a high speed network of my own brand of quirks. i just need to cut the crap most of the time.
i thought about other things today. it came to my mind that i should think of things that i've been avoiding in my head. i've been doing things that i know aren't right, but yet i have justified them enough to at least postpone the guilt (what little of it i can actually feel any more these days). so i let it sink in. i came to a conclusion. i want a different type of Christianity than i was given . i want one free of guilt, but full of integrity and responsibility. i don't want to be scared of God in a way a child is scared of a punishment. it seems that the old ways of doing things had some what of a complicated life because its based on expectations and such.
so i quit. so long old life of over analysis and dried up concrete summations. i don't care if i don't know. and i don't care if i am wrong sometimes and i won't torture myself about what happens. i am never going to be perfect, so i won't try.
i will try and be better and live life in a way that brings life to the dead and hope to the hopeless. i want to live a life that is relevent to this situation - but it seems that it will entail more than exploring the water of my streaming consciousness.
so say goodnight to the night.
posted by Dot Spot at 7:14 PM
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